Archive for self realization

245 Day Working! TF am I smoking?!?!?

Posted in Important Posts with tags , , , , , on 04/15/2017 by Keona-Mlh aka Beauty by LTL

Nothing. No seriously I am completely sober. Well…ok slightly drunk…but still coherent.

This really isn’t an honest to goddess pathworking with rituals everyday. What this is, is me improving myself. I had a session with my guardian and he pretty much reemed my ass. Lol. There is a huge wedge between my spiritual work and my mundane life.  I thought it was good but apparently I was wrong like shit. What this 28 day working is telling me, is that I still have a lot of shit to overcome, and I need to find a better way of fitting my practice into my schedule. I mean I do things everyday, but apparently that is shitty. So off to create a new schedule.

To get this started, I talked to my guardian for like an hour or 3, and pretty much brought down all the books from my bedroom and basement and placed them on my dining room table. Sophie was not to happy about that, since they surrounded her food bowl. Go fig. But I wrote down everything that I have and am currently working on. After a good back and forth and me listening, and being read, and listening, and listening again, I organized everything into 4 categories as requested, in which 2 of them are high priority.  The 2 can take a back seat right now.

Once those were ID’d, I then grabbed one of my many blank spiral notebooks (seriously I should buy stock in Staples) and proceeded to write down the things that need to get done, what I hope to accomplish with them, and the beginning of a daily and weekly schedule. I mean shit- I need to say my prayers every morning and night- not when I remember them. I need to incorporate yoga, walking, psychic building and meditation time in everyday. I need to be consciously eating and not just mindlessly eating. I need to feed my brain more (and that is going to be a feat). I need to make sure my spiritual and mundane life is one. Because, like they said, “You are doing a shitty job”.

I do have the idea of working with the Necronomicon deck during this time. At first, I was going to pull 2 cards a week and work under their influence. Then I scrapped that because it didn’t fit. So secondly I was going to work with one card a day and let it guide me like I am doing now. But that didn’t fill right either. Then, lol, I was like hmmmm…I took that tarot class last month so maybe I will just practice my readings with the Necro deck. It is attuned to me and my deep subconscious so this may be a better option. (See…it pays to attend as meaning classes as you can. Never know when it may come in handy!)

I have everything sitting in its separate area. I still need to put more books together and I need a few book bags to make sure all the books and binders and whatnot, are put away properly. And to give you a glimpse to what I am talking about, I have:

11 binders, 7 composition books, 6 empty spiral notebooks, 18 reading and working books, shit load of lancets, daggers, clay, pens/pencils/markers/, tape, scissors, hand sanitizer, stickies, hole puncher, candles and etc. LOL!

Needless to say my candle supply is becoming really low. Like I have enough to finish the month out, maybe a couple of weeks into May. So you know what that means, I have to make a list of candles, herbs, and other items to get up to carry me for a few months and then make another run. I mean I am going to be very irked doing my workings in the summer, because I already generate a lot of heat. We don’t turn the AC on till June (we all know how bipolar the weather is), so I can always go into my basement where it is cool year round lol, and relax. Matter of fact the basement is about to get a makeover.

I can say this, being back in my parents house is weird. I never imagined being a divorcee at 36 and back in school lol. I mean shit! What this experience has taught me was that I really don’t know myself, or those I were in a relationship with, or my parents; and I am glad to be back with them so we can learn each other (I mean I left home at 17, joined the military and 20 years later I am back!) I have been through a lot. There were experiences that I needed to get me to where I am now. I am grateful to be able to even come home to the support of my family. Besides, I really do believe in communal living. Times are tough and we need all the help and support we can get. I guess I am getting nervous with my parent’s getting older as well. Who wouldn’t really? So I really wouldn’t move far away. Well maybe far away were we won’t bug each other, but close enough where I can either catch a flight or drive home if need be. Plus I get to help my mother make her own portable altar so you know I am hype about that!

My path is medicine (spiritual and mundane). My gods are all healers, or death related, and enlightenment and also in a place where they are all about understanding the depths of a person. I didn’t take all those psych classes for no reason, just another degree I want to obtain as it works directly on my mundane and especially the spiritual path. It is amazing when you see things clearly for the first time, in a long time. Now I have till the end of the year to get myself in a good practice, to slow down and make sure that I am really becoming who I AM and not what I think I am you know. Not rushing anything, not beating myself up and just immersing myself in all aspects in my life. I need everything to be seamless.

I do have some crazy ass projects coming up, and I will fill you in later. I have some reviews coming up as well and maybe a reworking of this blog and my other one. My drop some categories, combine and/or add…I swear man, this is going to be a challenge that is going to wreck my nerves lol. But it is all worth it.

I mean I need to be able to: do my school work, my spiritual work, tend to my classes and students, work on my relationships, enjoy me off time and finish Season 12 of Supernatural. Put a dent in my Netflix and Hulu queue, get reacquainted with my PS3 and 4, and 360 and Wii. With the Wii I will be bowling like a champ lol!

I mean, gosh, time does fly when you are trying to shake the world and put your stamp on it 🙂

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What Next? (I wrote this maybe two or three years ago)

Posted in Important Posts with tags , , on 10/20/2013 by Keona-Mlh aka Beauty by LTL

 

 

I sit down and reflect about the path I am on. I see the array of possibilities opening up to me. I want to be free, I want to yell it to the top. But why should I. Do I feel ashamed. Loss of my job? Clientele? Prejudice at school and among colleagues? Yes. No. All of the above. At times I doubt what it means to be a Satanist. I feel at times that I am not good enough to represent Father, but I realize I have lost my mind. It is in that moment I saw clarity. My own insecurities, trying to please all, trying to friend all. Fuck it. The only people I need in my life are my parents, my man and Satan. He holds me up, reassure me, helps me and guides me, let’s me regain my connection. I have weathered the storm and I came out stronger than before. I rather have allies instead of friends. I need only them. I need Satan as he walks with me. I see the foolishness I have been apart of. I am leery and tired of stepping in bullshit. My spirituality awakens me to my most primal. I am a child of the dark, a child of him. With him as guidance I will break away and destroy my own insecurities. I will be a voice, striving for equality and top seed in this world along with others. It is time for me to help others see that Satanism strives for equality. We are involved in politics, academia, national affairs. We do not commit crimes for the hell of it. We strive to maintain balance in our lives and in those around us. To open peoples mind so they can see what others have stolen and hidden from them. We seek to enlighten all. Open your mind, awaken yourself from that dead sleep you have been in.

 

I am a Satanist. I will not let those determine my voice. My style. Nor my direction in life. Friends come and go….Blood is thicker than water….Family is the first to fuck you. But you have to push past it all and keep it moving…never let anything or anyone break your stride. They may knock us off-balance every so often…but not enough to STOP US. All I need in my life is the love of Satan, his wisdom and my man working together so we can take down the idiocy that has stricken this world. My path is one less traveled, always overlooked and passed over. That is just fine with me.

 

I have survived with broken limbs, torn ligaments, and bumps and bruises. My battle scars. It all leads up to strength that I have had in myself to continue and let nothing get in my way. Pain is what tells you how far you have come. No pain , no gain Life is not easy…and anything worth fighting for will drive you crazy.

 

I will stand among the Satanists of my era.

 

I will stand as a leader guiding more to their calling and to enlightenment.

 

I do not need you to validate me.

 

I am a Satanist. I can validate my damn self.

 

(c) Keona

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